Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks

Rated:

M: for Midget

GR: for Grave Robbing

RA: for Re-Animation

IDE: for Italian - Dubbed in English

SB: for Side Boobage

Review after the jump.

 Midgets. Cavemen. A vaguely Frankensteinian plot. This is the recipe for Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks, original title: Terror! Il castello delle donne maledette ("Terror! The Castle of Damned Women" from google's Italian to English translation). Before we dive in, some quick facts about the film. Released in 1974, directed by Dick Randall, dubbed in English. The atmosphere is wonderful, the music definitely fitting the mood (dark and sparse, with the occasional playful jazz typical of 70s movies), and a plot line that is barely there, held together by the exploitation of pervert midgets, cavemen with eyebrows that rival Abe Vigoda's, rough sex, skinny-dipping-mud-rubbing, and a generous helping of side-boob. If you're not already convinced that you need to see this, then read on for the complete breakdown of all the B-Horror schlocky cheese below.

This piece of Italian cinema trash doesn't waste any time reaching ludicrous speed; the first shot depicts a horde of angry villagers hurling stones at a caveman up on a hill. What cavemen are doing in the 1790's is a question beyond me; a question the film doesn't ask, and quite frankly, one you shouldn't either. If this bothers you then you're not going to like this movie anyway. Nor can you be my friend or jilted lover.

Unlikely friendship!

The caveman's body is retrieved and revived by Count Frankenstein (evidently the recipient of a recent promotion) and his gaggle of ghouls. Meanwhile back in town is the Count's daughter, along with her friend who develops a love-interest with Frankenstein, which the Count's daughter seems oddly stoked about ("And wouldn't it be interesting if you married him and became my mother!").

The real star of the film, though, is sex-crazed dwarf Genz, whose first on-screen moments find him opening the blouse of a freshly exhumed babe, and getting a good feel of her, uh, burial mounds. Dig it. After being thrown out of the castle for being too much of a perv, Genz meets up with another caveman in the woods, and the two precede to wreak havoc on the town. They kidnap another local babe and Genz gives her the ol'e in-out, in-out while caveman Ook watches. At this point i was really hoping for a dwarf/caveman tag-team, which must have been a cinema first, but ultimately was disappointed to find out my man Ook was more of a romantic and not into the rough stuff.

Tits!

This sleaziness permeates the film; the cook Valda enjoys being slapped around by the hunchback Kreegin ("Come with me. We go to woodshed!"), and lecherous Genz, who aside from rape and necrophilia, also enjoys watching the Count's daughter and her friend bathe in a spring with a smile so pervy Jeffrey Dahmer would feel ashamed.

Debauchery!

As if anachronisms weren't already prominent enough, a flashback scene showing the death of caveman Goliath includes a shot of a dude wearing jeans. Jeans. In 1790. The best part is that it's not even that hard to spot. It's practically a close up of a dude with a denim jacket and a Judas Priest shirt. Okay, well maybe he's not wearing a Priest shirt but I'm pretty sure he's rocking construction boots. He's one of the villagers assaulting Goliath with rocks and, by the sound of the blows, what I can only assume is a tube of wrapping paper.

Italian high fashion!

The effects can only lovingly be described as "dogshit", the dialogue is poetically pathetic ("Could be the work of a sex maniac"/"Oh my God, he's been experimenting...experimenting on a caveman!") and the climax features the obligatory laboratory trashing, a caveman showdown, and a hokey attempt at sentimental morality. All in all this is exactly what I look for in a B-movie like this. However, seeing as it is B horror, we obviously can't rate it the same as we would rate, well, anything else. So using the B scale (tents for "campy" movies, get it?) Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks gets a near-perfect 4 out of 5.